ankhchick667

life is like an echo, you get back what you put out

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 22:57:50 GMT

i read my subject on the bulliten of a school board. but its absolutely right. so not too many changes. i am in my second semester of college. jamie and i are doing well. we recently got a place together. he, lilly, and i are all under one roof now. i like it, i just dont like paying bills, it stresses you out! lilly is growing like a weed. literally. she has gotten so big and she is so smart! i am in class now so i am going to have to cut this short. :(. ill update again really soon, promise!!!

hey lo!

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 22:59:16 GMT

so i think the last journal i posted said something about jamie and i getting married??? well... scratch that. i called off the engagement. no, he didnt cheat on me, nor have i cheated on him. everything is fine except for the fact that he aggravates the hell out of me!! i thought him being in the navy would have helped him to grow and mature into a man. wrong... hes obsessive, jealous, paranoid, psychotic!! he has to know what im doing, where im at, who im with, who i have talked with that day, and then he wants to know my future plans for the next day!! i cant handle it. we are still together, but i dont know for how much longer. he is coming home for good in a week or 2 or 3. no more than 3. he wants us to move in together.. but i dont know if i can handle that. i mean he is miles away now and i cant stand him sometimes. it would be worse if we were living together and i was having to deal with him on a daily basis. he doesnt want me having male friends what so ever. i have a friend that i speak with almost on a daily basis. we really are JUST FRIENDS. thats it. friends. and jamie swears there is something going on. yeah... i do care for this other guy, but we dont express things like that to one another. we have talked about possibilities, but he knows i am with jamie and we both know what is right and what is wrong. jamie wants me to stop talking to him. but i dont want to... and that is another thing... i dont know what may happen. im trying to take things one day at a time, but im getting so fed up with jamies demands and his future plans for us regardless of what i want out of life. i know what i should do, but i just cant get myself to do it. and even if i were to do it, jamie wouldnt let it go! i have tried... so many times, yes, leaving him. i have tried so many times and he wont let me leave him. ill leave him then he calls an hour later like nothing happened. telling me he loves me!! im like.."i just left you!" eventually.. i give up and i give into him. i figure its easier to let him think everything is fine between us so he'll leave me alone... cause when we arent together, he buggs me even more! i know right? makes no sense. anyway.. maybe... SOON, ill get that extra shove i need to say "its over" and when that happens, itll be for good. i just hate that i will be hurting him. technically, he hasnt done anything wrong. hasnt cheated, hasnt hit me, hasnt called me a name, hasnt yelled or cursed at me. hes just so damn clingy and paranoid. anyway.. i have to get ready for work. work!! i love it... not.oh. lilly will be a year tomorrow. and i am throwing her first party ever on saturday!! hosting my daughters birthday party. wow. im a mommy. :)

i miss jamie!!

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 21:43:14 GMT

i just saw jamie this past weekend. we didnt get married. we went to go get married and the woman told us we had to apply for a marriage license 24 hours in advance. we went on a saturday and they arent open on sunday so there was no reason to apply if i was going to be leaving sunday night anyway. id rather have a big church wedding anyway. apryll, sorry if i am not replying to you. i know you try...lol. i promise ill send you some pics asap. so i want to start planning my wedding but we have no money and now jamie is talking about getting out of the navy and coming home. he needs to make up his mind and stick to it so ill know what to do and where to go. i took a plane to chicago. i like flying. i had fun in chicago too. i loved spending time with jamie. we didnt get married, but what a honeymoon we had....lol. i have to go. lilly is tearing up my school work.

im here

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 18:54:06 GMT

i am in chicago, ill. yeah. i know. i have never been this far north. the furthest i had been before this was tenn. anyway. i left for atl, ga. yesterday. spent the night with my aunt and left for the airport this morning. the flight wasnt bad at all. i thought flying would be a little scary. but it wasnt. i made it here to the airport and jamie told me to meet him at the uso (its a place for military recruits and their familys to come while at the airport) they let you have access to the internet here. they also have tv to watch and so on... so i am just waiting. i feel out of place because i am the only female here and i am not enlisted... i am just waiting on my honey..lol. i hope he gets here soon. when we leave here we are going to the hard rock hotel!! cant wait. going to have so much fun! anyway.... off of that subject. im gonna go watch tv now. omg... tomorrow, i get married.. wow... i will have a different lastname!! im kind of nervous now. i hope i dont back out. i hope jamie doesnt back out. i will be so pissed if he does... gtg

disinterested

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 19:44:40 GMT

my teacher just said that word and i felt like i should put it as my subject line. i like that word... it describes me...i am in class right now. i thought college would be different than hs...but its really not too different.. i still hate it. i guess ill always hate school. i think its because of the fact that i have someone telling me what to do and i have to have it done by a deadline. so i am leaving thursday night to go to atl!!! atlanta ga. not a big deal. anyway, then i am flying from atl to chicago ill. to see jamie!!!!!!! yeah!!!! and i will become Mrs. Simmons.. wow.. my name will be Lauren Ashleigh Simmons. yes... i am getting married. wow huh?? we are having a justice of peace marry us. the church wedding will be in nov. or dec. or this year. i want a big pretty wedding so we have to save some money. jamie got us reservations at the hard rock hotel! its 40 stories. the paper says all rooms come with a flat screen plasma, lap top with internet hookup, feather-top bedding, snakeskin leather chairs and ottomans, etc.. and bathrobes!! sorry. its just that i have never been to a hotel that nice. i never thought jamie simmons would be taking me somewhere like that. he is a redneck from colquitt ga and now look at him. in the navy, bringing home good money, and paying for the honeymoon all on his own. and its actually nice!! he says he has plans to take me to a few places. i hope he knows his way around chicago cause i have never been somewhere that big and busy.maybe we can meet oprah. lol. wow... married.. me... a family woman. a wife and mother. ill be a good one. i know i will. i hope im doing the right thing. yeah... i know i am. i can feel it. lol. thanks for caring. -Ash

wow

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 19:26:35 GMT

it has been such a long time. i didnt think i would still have my account. so... i graduated high school on may 25, 2006. it was a nice ceremony and all. i am now enrolled in college, a technical college here in my town and i am taking 15 hours a week. i am also working 2 jobs. a waitress at pizza hut and a clerk at movie gallery. lilly will be a year in 3 more months! she has 2 teeth and 2 more coming in. jamie left for the navy on may 21. he has graduated from boot and he is going to school to be a hospital corpman then when he completes that in nov. he will go back to school to be a dentist. we are not together anymore....technically. i broke it off with him and started seeing someone else. but i recently broke it off with him too so i am single now. jamie and i talk on a daily basis. i am talking to someone else but not relationship wise, just friendly. he too is in the navy and we will probably meet up when he comes home to visit. jamie comes home for 2 weeks the first week of nov. so he will be home for lilly's birthday. i am doing good. just tired cause of the school, 2 jobs, and a baby. ill update later... i need a cig...

hi

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 00:48:32 GMT

my birthday was april the seventh. i am legal now! i can buy my own ciggs! it was a good birthday. i didnt get a lot but i went off with jamie, tj, and jamies cousin and we had us a good old time. :) yeah... did we... i love jamie so much. i really do. i am overwhelmed with love for him. he means so much to me... (sigh)....hmmmm..... anyway... i love him. and i love lilly. she is great. she is doing so much now and she is trying to talk. its so sweet... aaaawwwweeeee!!! my parents found me a car. of course i have to make the payments and the down payment is coming from the selling of my present car, which i payed for. but they did take the time to look for one. and i am glad. its a 2000 mazda. its metallic grey and its so pretty. i love it. i cant wait to get it. we are moving into a bigger house. i cant wait for that also.. my room is huge!! and lilly will have her own room. we are painting it 2 shades of pink and decorating it in pooh bear. she likes pooh. :). i have 28 days of school left. then i am done, forever! until college that is.... yeah. if i ever decide what i want to do. i am getting another tattoo this week. or this weekend. my mom is going with me cause she has to finish her sleeve. so we will go together. yeah. itll hurt, but ill love it when its done. this will be my third. and i am getting my tongue peirced. is that spelled pierce, or peirce??? im not sure... has anyone seen George Lopez, "Why you cryin'" its so funny. you should watch it. i got the dvd for my birthday. well thats all. hello to all. God Bless.. -Ash

hi!

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 22:35:38 GMT

my birthday is in 2 days. i cant wait. i mean, its not that big of a deal but i am happy i will be able to buy ciggs on my own.. ha! yes! yes, i know, its a shame. but i do smoke. so deal with it. lol. we (jamie, tj, jamies cousin, and i) are all going to valdosta ga. to wild adventures. well atleat for one day. i want to get another tattoo or maybe 2, and my tongue pierced while we are in valdosta. then i want to go to wild adventures for one whole day. and jamie wants us all to go out to eat one night and then i want to go to a club one night also. so we will have a good old time... we should. and jamie is 21 so there is no problem as far as getting alcohol. we will have so much fun. i will come home broke, but thats okay cause hopefully, it will have been worth it. lilly is going to stay here with my parents. ill call and check on her ofcourse. anyway. jamie and i are doing good. still engaged to be married and all. he is talking about doing it this year! but i might just have to tell him that we have to be engaged for atleast a full year before we actually go through with it. lilly is almost five months. she is sooo cute! she is growing like a weed. so fast... (sigh) she'll be grown before i know it. yeah..... i graduate next month! wow. i am so happy. although... i dont exactly know where to go from graduation, but hopefully i will have something planned by the time it gets here. i am doing fine. so... that is about it. yeah.. ill update later, when i have some free time like i do now. lata . -Ash

hungry

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 17:06:44 GMT

i am starving. i am waiting for my dad to get home so i can leave for work. but before i go to work i am stopping somewhere to get me some food... my lips hurt. they feel like i peeled all the skin off. jamie and i were kissing alot last night.maybe that is why my lips feel the way they do. last night my friend called. well my best friend. she called me crying and i asked her what was wrong. she told me that her dad died. that is soooo sad.... she is only 17, has a 19 yr old brother, and a 21 yr old sister and their father died. i cant imaging losing my dad. not jerry, but the one i have here. the one i live with. my real dad... jerry is my real father biologically but he has never had anything to do with me. the one i live with adopted me so legally i am his daughter anyway. but i dont see how she is getting through it. i went to see her last night right after we hung up the phone. i just told her i was sorry and that i loved her. i am scared she might try and do something to herself. i hope she doesnt. k . daddy is here. i gotta go to work for 7 long hours!!! i hate that!! but i gotta make that money.... later...

was looking foward

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 19:07:47 GMT

well i just got home from school. i get out at 1:35 now and i dont have to work so i came straight home. i have no money to do anything with and no gas to ride around on so i just had to come home. plus i had some things i needed to do. chores and all. but i thought id get on the computer first and blow a few minutes. so today was a good day. i miss jamie so much and i just saw him wednesday. im pathetic. i still dont know how i will handle him leaving in may... i really dont know how i am going to get through it. we were suppossed to go see a moving tonight in tallahassee fl. and then go through quincy and pick up lillys baby bed. but when i got home daddy told me i might have to hold off on tonight cause momma might want to do something tonight... i know it isnt there responsibility to watch lilly for me but i was really looking foward to going out tonight and it being just jamie and i. i havent went out alone, or just me and jamie, in almost 2 months. we have had lilly everywhere we go. i love lilly, dont get me wrong, but its nice when you can start something and be able to finish it. and i am not talking about just sex. sometimes jamie and i will get into a conversation or something like that or just sit with one another and stare into each others eyes, then all of the sudden, (crying). and one of us has to jump up and get lilly to see what she needs. (sigh). ill miss that one day though. i know i will. she is so adorable and precious... and innocent, and helpless, and adorable(again)...lol. i love her so much. i fed her rice cereal for the first time last night. like she can start solid foods now so i fed her with a spoon and all. but anyway, she made a big mess. she was eating it, but she would make sure the food was going into her mouth by putting her hand up to her mouth and then her fingers would get cereal all on them then she would pull my hair or touch my face or grab my arm with that same messy little hand. and it was all on her chin and her little t-shirt... it was precious though. i love being a mom, then sometimes i wish i would have waited. (like when im up all night and then my alarm goes off for me to go to school). but it happened for a reason. well.. imma go so i can wash lilly's clothes and all. hey, do you know what lilliana means in spanish?? little princess.. awwww.... that she is... our little princess...

whuz up

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 01:26:01 GMT

hi la losers... lol. that was on dodgeball. anyway, i am good. no, great. just tired thats all. so jamie and i are still engaged. i love him so much. we havent had any probs and we are doing good (knock on wood). gosh, do i love him. he leaves may 22nd and the time is nearing... i cant stand it. everytime we are together i let him know how much i love him and he does the same. not like that,... silly. but i love him so so so so much. (sigh) anyway.. lilly is great. she is growing, growing, growing!! she will be four months this coming up friday. the 10th. she is sooo cute!! sorry i dont have any pics up. and apryll im sorry i havent sent you a letter or any pics. ill get around to it. promise :). jamies sister and i have our birthday 2 days apart so we are all planning this big beach trip for brandy and i. hers is april 5th, mine is the 7th. i cant wait. itll be fun. me, jamie, brandy and her bf jason. and jamie is 21 and jason 22, heck yes. are we getting wasted!! im letting my parents keep lilly that weekend. so all is well. i really dont have too much more to say. i got a raise. i make $5.75 and hour now. i did make 5.50. so thats good. and i get like 20-28 hours a week. i am doing good in school, oh and we are moving like 2 streets over, into a larger house. so lilly and i can have our own space. well thats all. lata!!

well hello

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 01:58:42 GMT

hi. this thing is going around and i think i have caught it....:( i have a stuffy nose and my throat is itchy. i think it is more allergies than anything. but i am still cautious around lilly. i dont want to get her anymore sick than she already is. she has a stuffy and runny nose and a slight cough. she was finally getting better and boom!! she is sick again. everytime someone asks me about her i tell them she is sick and it (to me) makes me sound like a bad mom. but i cant help when and if she gets sick. so guess what..... friday night. february the 17th. jamie and i went out. we went to the river, he built a little fire and had his little lantern and we were sitting by the fire. anyway... he kept asking me if i really loved him and if i wanted to be with him forever like i said i did. well, he kept asking me all these questions and he was acting funny. like, on the way to the river he kept looking at me and he was breathing funny. like hard. i could hear him breathing. then while we were sitting next to the fire, he would get up and pace around. then....drum roll.... he told me that he loved me and he got right next to me and got down on one knee. he pulled a white box from his pocket, opened it up, and said, "will you marry me? will you give me your hand in marriage and spend the rest of your life with me ashleigh?" i was shocked! i kept saying..."nah ahh.... your playing... right?" not in a mean way, i was just shocked. but he asked me again, and i started crying and hugged him and told him i loved him then i said "that means yes..." wow... my daddy called it a cracker jack ring... whatever. its white gold with a little diamond on it. i gtg. ill update again.

poor little baby...

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 01:34:23 GMT

lilly is sick, poor thing. i cant stand it when she doesnt feel good. her sinuses are acting up. she has a runny nose, and stuffy, and its draining down her throat so she gags while she is sleeping sometimes. i hate it....:( i keep praying and she went to the doctor. she got some medicine and it seems to be helping some... i am so tired. she was waking up every hour last night. but it didnt bother me cause i like being the one who she knows will be there when she needs me. jamie is working out of town now. this is the 3rd week. i only see him on the weekends.:( things are good between us. he has started talking about marriage again, but i am not scared. he leaves in may to go to boot. he will come back in december and if we wanted we could get married then. then when he leaves again, lilly and i will go with him and live on base. and if he gets shipped off, we will still be able to live on base and be taken care of.i love jamie so much, i really do and i feel it. my friend from way back moved back recently and i talk to him everyday. today he wanted me to listen to a demo of a song he and his band did. i went and sat in his truck after school and listened to it and talked and what have you. he then asked me if i had anything to do and if i needed a ride home. i told him i had a ride and i had to get home to take care of my daughter. im trying not to let myself get into any kind of compromising position. i dont want to do anything i shouldnt. i know jamie cheated on me but 2 wrongs dont make a right. thats amazing to hear coming from me.... but its different with jamie and i am more mature than that. the guy does look good, but i dont want to throw everything away that i have with jamie for a fling with someone i have a little crush on. i dont see why we couldnt be just friends though. i am so tired but i want to call jamie at 9 so imma stay up long enough to call him and thats all. oh! brad, my old stepbrother is getting married! or so i hear. i want to send he and tami a wedding gift but i dont know how to go about doing so. the only person i know to call is timmy, my ex... (dum dum dum..) he is the only person whos number i have. steve moved, brad and tami moved i dont know anyone else's number... i am kinda scared to call, but i might anyway. its just a phone call. not like i have to see the guy or anything and i can always just hang up... all you gotta do is press a button. well, thats all for now. my eyes are too tired to keep looking at a computer screen.-Ash

oh

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 23:22:27 GMT

i was going to ask what todays date was but it showed me on here.... everything is okay. lilly is 2 months. she was on the 10th. i think i wrote about that already. she got her shots, i think i put that too. i got my nails filled in.. when it gets time for them to come off i am just going to leave them off for a few weeks so they will have time to get some air and all. i got my hair trimmed, thinned and re layered today. i feel pretty...:) jamie and i are together still... things have been going good. no drama. but i still dont trust him, i do but only a certain amount now. i will never trust him like i used to. but i do believe that right now he isnt messing around on me. and i know that he feels guilty for what he did to me. this i know...anyway... school started off good. my classes are okay. school is school, no one really likes doing school work. i am still working. my check today was 103 dollars, last week 105, so i am doing okay as far as money. i had to buy diapers today and they were 19 dollars!!! for one pack. it was an 84 pack, but still. lilly is up and fussing, ill finish later -ash

hi

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 01:16:28 GMT

everything is going good i guess. i started school today. christmas break went by so fast. i am taking trig again and its going to be pretty much effortless until we get to chapter 6. thats where i left off last semester. i am okay with my classes. i guess this semester will be okay. and i have lunch with some of my friends so i wont be alone this semester or have to sit in the library. jamie and i are doing good. as long as he is not hiding anything from me again. i dont like to say that we are doing okay because i dont want to look stupid if he is doing anything behind my back again. but as far as i know, wer are good. we went to quincy and lilly and i stayed the night. jamie and i had alot of fun together... and we spent alot of time together.yeah.. i loved it. but i still feel different... i just dont feel like anything is the same since he has been with someone else. not in a sexual way... i hope not. but i dont know. i still think about it alot and it hurts so bad. i still have not cried about it. for some reason i cant. i just go blank when i think about it. but, i still love him. i am just scared to let myself get attached to him again cause i dont want him to cheat again and it hurt that much more and because he is leaving in may and there is no telling when he will come back. anything could happen... lilly is good. she is growing more and more everyday.she is so alert now. she will talk and talk. and she is teething so she is constantly drooling and she learned how to make bubbles so she is always spitting bubbles at you:) she knaws on her fist alot. she will try and stick her whole fist in her mouth. its so cute. she looks like she is trying to eat her hand. she gets her shots on wednesday. i will cry...:( i start driving in 10 days! i cant wait. i wont have to depend on someone anymore. and jamie wont have to worry about gas money so much. i can go to him. i still work at nics. they have me working nights now since i am back in school. i work after 12 like 2wice a week now. i like nights better but i am more tired the next day. and now i cant sleep during the day. i have to be up by 5 am to start getting ready for school. and i am getting up with lilly during the night and working4-6 days a week. atleast i am staying busy. i cant complain. and i am getting money every week. i need that. i made 105.19 for 20 hrs. i got it yesterday. thats not too bad.40 for daycare, 60 for savings and 25 for me. i got my nails filled in today. that was $14. i want to lose weight so bad. i started drinking water again. i am going to lose weight too. before april, i will be back to the way i want to be. i will, you watch and see... sorry. i just really want it. and i will get it too...lol. well. imma go. i have some homework to do. no... i dont feel like it. ill do it tomorrow... jamie is out of town working. he wont be back until friday so i cant talk to him or see him until then...:( i hope he isnt doing me wrong... i love him. k. ill update again later.-Ash

hey

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 02:21:20 GMT

well... some things have happened that have left me.... i dont know. insecure, numb i guess you could say. i really feel like i feel nothing. i dont feel my heart beating anymore. i cant tell if i am even alive or not. it kinda feels like i am in a bad dream and i know that i will never wake up from it. jamie and i got back together, on the 27th of december. he was all for it. he seemed cautious, but he told me that he wanted to be with me and blah... so i am so happy... waking up in the mornings was such a highlight for me because i knew that i had jamie again and all i looked foward to everyday was hearing his voice and spending time with him. i was so unbelievably happy. i cant even describe it. why? because throughout the time jamie and i were apart, i had time to think and i cleared my head and i got everything straight in my mind. i realized that i do love jamie and i do want everything that he wanted. marriage, being a family, spending the rest of my life with him.... but something wasnt right with him. he was hiding things from me. i first find out that the girl he was dating while we were apart, susan, he and she were still talking. he never told her that he was with me again. she thought he was still single. he kept lying to me and i finally took things into my own hands. i got her number(411, typical) and i called her. i didnt start anything. i just explained who i was and what was going on. i also apologized toher because i know she didnt want to hear that, especially from me. she got all upset because she really liked him and she thought she was starting to have feelings for him(maybe she did) she thought i was calling her to cuss her out or something, but there was no reason to do anything like that cause it wasnt her fault. it was all jamie, lying to both of us. so they both tell me that they will stop talking to one another, well guess what, they didnt... i caught him again. finally i get the feeling that he really did leave her alone. then i feel like something else is wrong... so i question and question, then he finally admits that this girl he used to date, talk to, i dont know. anyway, she came to visit and they were talking. he told me he just talked to her on the phone and that she means nothing... then he later tells me that he saw her at a friends house and that he did talk to her there but he only saw her that one time. well, i wasnt buying it. so i (yes, i did, i know its wrong, but i did) i hacked into his yahoo messenger and pretended to be him. well this girl popped up and started talking to him and it was the girl he claims he just saw once and didnt do anything with. well she ends up telling me(pretending tobe him) that they saw each other atleast 3 times in one week. and they did more than talk. they both claim tojust have kissed, but i honestly think it was more than that. so yeah... he cheated on me, no telling how many times!!! and all he can say is, "im sorry" i went to break up with him last night and then he said no and that he loves me and that deep down he needs me and that he does want to marry me and told me he would change and do anything for me and that he would drop everything and everyone for me and that he would have nothing to do with this girl anymore. i said"no, you can do what you want, you wont have to worry about me anymore, you can be free to do and talk to whoever you want" and he was like"no ashleigh please... please no, ill do anything." so i told him that i couldnt handle him continuing to talk to and be friends with the girl that he cheated on me with. i told him that it wasnt fair to me or her and that all it would do is cause confrontation between the 2 of us. cause that is just not fair to me, am i right? i wouldnt do that to him and just say"im sorry, thats all i can say, but i am still going to be friends with him whether you like it or not" jamie would completely go insane if i did anything like that. i didnt tell him what he can and cant do i just told him that i wouldnt be able to handle it, and that if he was going tocontinue to do it, then i cant be with him. he said he wants me. but now its like he resents me for it. but it was his decision right? i still cant get over the fact that he would do something like that to me. i have been faithful to him throughout these past almost 2 years. and that is a first for me. really. i was never faithful to my past bf's.but i realized its just not worth losing someone you really care about. i didnt want to jepordize us. but he did... he told me that he was just confused... i hope he means everything he has said about loving me and only me and wanting to spend the rest of his life with me and all. i told him he needs to be sure cause i am giving myself tohim. to have. andi dont want him to take advantage of that. okay. well.. imma end this. its long enough dont you think?
ps.
i think i am getting strep. i am running a fever and i am freezing my ass off right now!!! it hurts to swallow and my ears hurt(on the inside). i cant get near lilly and that is killing me. i love her so much!!! jamie had to take careof her when he was here cause i couldnt be near her. that gave him some more experience though:) we are still together. i told him that everyone makes mistakes and that they learn from them. but if he makes it again, im sorry, im not going to allow myself to be put through that again.
:( later-Ash

hi

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:16:45 GMT

i know that its been a while but right now all i want to do is bitch i guess you could say. i am sooooo pissed and i dont know exactly why. jamie and i got back together but this just happened 2 days ago. we were apart about a month. well yes i went out on a date. but just one!! and jamie knows this. i went out once and it wasnt even a date. it was just me going to eat at mcdonalds. and i didnt even hug the boy. no physical contact whatso ever. well jamie ended up talking to someone else. like talking talking. and those were the words that the girl told me. yes i talked to her cause i knew jamie wasnt being honest with me. anyway.. im not going into details but they hugged, kissed, talked on the phone everyday. yeah... and i thought they had maybe just kissed, like regular, but no... she told me that they made out and jamie told me that nothing happened. he lied to me and i confronted him about it and all he can say is sorry... well... i want an explanation cause the night he went and met her and made out with her i asked him to come and see lilly and told him that i needed to talk to him and he told me no, that he wasnt coming here and then met this girl and did what he did with her. and stayed out until 3 in the morning with her!!! i was home by 11:30. i think they did more than kiss.but they swear up and down thats all that happened. i dont know how he could do something like that.. i just dont. but anyway we are back together and when we got back together he told me that he wanted to stilltalk to her and be friends with her and i said i didnt want him to and at first he chose her over me cause he said that he wasnt going to give up a friend, then i told him to forget about me then that made him change his mind and he said that he would quit talking to her for me then after we are together i tell him that i trust him and that he can have her as a friend but no hanging out with her without me and i dont care if they talk on the phone as long as there is nothing to it. then i find out what they did. see, he told me that nothing happened between them.we get back together, then i find out, he still denies it, i tell him that she is the one who told me, then he confesses, then i tell him i really dont want him to talk to her then he is unsure about that. then he says he is confused then the next day he comes over(which was yesterday) and we agree that he will have nothing more to do with her and its just me and him now. okay.... so now we are good. she is out of the picture and he and i are doing good cause we spent all day together and we are so in love. okay... i told him to call me in the morning so we could talk but if he couldnt (due to his work) then id just talk to him after i got off work. well all this morning i waited for him to call cause i am missing him and want to tell him i love him and blah... well he didnt call so i assumed he was working cause he told me thats what he had to do today. well i go to work and later on i call his house. he isnt home. his memaw told me that he had to take his cousin,kayla, to bainbridge for something to do with her cheerleading. i said"i thought he had to do some work today" and she says"na ah..." so thats #1. okay.... then he calls me and i asked him where he was and he says he is at home and i said"did you come to bainbridge?" and he says "yes" and i asked him why didnt he come and see me at work for like 5 min. if he came all the way to b'bridge anyway... and he said he was too much in a hurry to stop and say hey cause he had to get some paint and go back to his home. then i said "i thought you had to take kayla to some cheerleading thing" and he said no... he said he had to go and get some paint...he said his memaw didnt know exactly what she was talking about and she basically got her stories mixed up thats #2. then after i leave work i call his house to straighten things out cause i dont like it when we fight. well he isnt home. his memaw said he took off haulin tail. and that he has been gone for 15 min. so i call his friend and he tells me that jamie just left his house to go back home and get a shower about 15 min. ago. they live not even half a mile apart. a couple of blocks is all. so i called back at his house and then she tells me that he just left to go hunting. and i made these 3 phone calls all within 2 min. thats #3. you cant tell me that something isnt going on... he just quit talking to that girl he messed around with yesterday. he was still talking to her while we were together and when i called and talked to her she said " he told me he didnt have a girlfriend, he said that you two were broken up" so... i dont know. but if he is playing me or cheating on me in any way... i ... i dont know.. i wont be with him i know that. but i dont know what i will do. the night i found out that he lied to me and she told me that he told her he was single and that they had made out and all.... i was so pissed. i wanted to kill him. i really did. i felt like beatinghim to death. and i mean that. i could see it in my head. it was like watching a movie and in the movie i was punching him and beating him to no end. when i saw him the next day it crossed my mind... i really concentrated on it. but i didnt do it. i just made him keep away from me for a little while until i could calm down. i dont know what to do... he has lied to me so much about so many things and all he can say is sorry. i dont trust him anymore...i dont. and i dont know where he is now. we hung up mad at one another when i talked to him at work so i dont know where he is what he is doing or who he is doing it with. i love him sooo much, this all hurts soo much.. i cried so much yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before and so on.... i want to cry now. you would think that i would be numb by now but the pain is so intense its like i am feeling it for the first time. i gtg. momma just brought lilly home.

last day

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 15:52:31 GMT

i am in the library at school. im in my second block and we get out once this block is over. then we dont come back until jan the 6th. or 7th i cant remember.i am glad. i failed my trig class. that sucks. i can take it over next semester buti dont want to. jamie called me last night and he is leaving in may to go to boot camp. he signed his contract and all yesterday and yeah. so i am proud of him. he is really doing it!! momma says that she thinks it will change him and she thinks we will see alot of changes in him once he comes back from boot camp. i cant believe christmas is here again. its lilly's first christmas!! she will spend christmas eve with jamie and his family and christmas day with my family. i start work today. i have to learn how to control the gas pumps and all and yeah. it shouldnt be that hard cause the ppl i have seen running them... i gotta be able to do it. i hope no one drives off without paying. i could get fired for that if ithappens too many times. i got my nails done yesterday and i keep hitting the wrong keys. my nails are hitting the keys above the ones i am meaning to hit. lol. i feel pretty though. :) i passed all my other classes so thats good. i might just take al.III next semester instead of trig. i failed because i missed so much work and couldnt make it up so its not cause it was hard or anything, but it would still make it easier on me to do al.III next semester sincei have lilly and a job now. i will be getting about 20 hrs a week. so thats about 65-100 a week.i dont know what my starting pay is.but when i got that many hours with harveys i made about 75 dollars a week so thats enough for gas and some to put in my checking account every week. half is going into my account and half into lilly's savings. ill only need money for gas anyway. im wanting tomake money for her. do you realize how much it will be for her to go to college?!!? too much, thats how much. and i want to be able to buy her a car and allow her to get the things she wants as she grows up cause i wasnt able to get everything i wanted and i want her to be able to. i know what i am doing after highschool. i am going to college here for 2 years and then i am going to school in atl. i am going tolive with my aunt natasha because she has offered tolet me live there for free and i would have my own room, bathroom and living area. so lilly and i could stay for free. she said i could bring lilly. i still dont know what i want to major in but i will go ahead and get allmy core classes out of the way here. but i am going to college in atlanta. okay. well... thats all for now. ill update again when i can. my computer has to be worked on again cause it is acting up again. so i wont have it for a few days. later.

hi

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 15:44:22 GMT

jamie left for fl. yesterday. i told him not to call me from the hotel so i havent heard from him in a while. he will come and see lilly on sunday. it is gloomy today. tomorrow is the last day of this semester. and we get out early so yeah!! then i can spend some time with friends and family. i am doing good. i am just tired thats all. i cant wait catch up on some sleep. i cant believe its christmas. i think i am going to fail trig, but i can take it next semester. i start work tomorrow. i got a job at a gas station. itll be okay i guess. i just want some money to be able to put in my checking account and in lillys savings. lilly is great. i am going on that date this weekend. or sometime next week. i havent told him when.i think he wants to do it friday. i hope he knows this is just friendly, nothing more. well... ill update later. -Ash

finally

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 23:20:08 GMT

we got our computer back and the net up and running. i hope it stays like this. i like not being booted off. lilly is sleeping right now but she will wake up soon so i dont have long... anyway... jamie and i are still not together. he e-mailed me saying that he doesnt like us being apart... hes all sad and upset.. we are moving soon. i hope. my family and i. she is awake. ill update later.

at school

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 16:14:36 GMT

i am at school right now so i cant check my e-mail. i hate that. our computer is being fixed soi cant do it at home either. lilly had her 1 month checkup today. she is 11 pounds 3 ounces!!she is growing. she is above average. i am fine. i got some new clothes yesterday. not alot. just a few shirts and a jacket. i got a pair of pants but they dont fit like i want them to so i might take them back or break them in. i met this guy, or man yesterday. at church. he is 28, he was in the air force for i cant remember how many years and now he is in the reserves. he has been helping in new orleans and all. he came to me and started talking to me. he loves lilly. but hell never take anyones place(jamie) i am not dating him or anything. i just met him and we talked and all for like 2 hours. he is sweet and all but he is kinda old. he is wanting to go back into the air force and all so if we got together he would leave anyway. i am fine. i got asked out on a date. i dont know if i will go. not by the air force guy, another guy. this is new to me again.. kinda. lilly is healthy. there was nothing wrong with her. finals are coming up. im scared!! k. well. gotta go. -Ash

...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 01:21:21 GMT

i feel like i am doing the right thing. i dont have any doubts. i am just worried what might happen to him and then lilly blaming me for it in the future when she finds out that he left to join the military because i decided i didnt want to be with him anymore. i think he will be okay though. today he was like "what if something happens to me, you wont be able to hear my voice or feel me anymore" and that got me thinking. sorry. lilly is fussy. i gtg. im basically done anyway. take care.-Ash

...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 01:18:25 GMT

he really is leaving in jan. though. he asked if lilly and i would come and visit him on the base, he said if i didnt want to come i could just let lilly stay but she is not going to stay somewhere without me. especially if jamie is left to take care of her by hiself. so... he told me to make sure this is what i want cause he is signing the papers friday and once he signs the papers, he is leaving in jan. and he cant change his mind if he signs the papers.

...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 01:16:16 GMT

i dont want her going anywhere without me thats why i am going... so... he is joining the air force in jan. he has already talked to a recruiter. he talked to him on the phone yesterday and again tonight and friday the guy is coming to his house to meet him and talk somemore or whatever they do. jamie is getting a ....i think he said.... eight thousand dollar sign on bonus. he said he is going to pay off his truck, get his place set up and then give lilly and i 4 thousand. i told him it could all go to lilly and he said it was for me and lilly. he said he wanted me to use it if i needed it or if i want to sell my car and use that money plus the money he gives me for a down payment on a new car, a nice one. so....... but i am going to give it all to lilly. ill put in her savings account. i might put a little in my checking account. like $500 or something like that.

halo!!

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 01:12:19 GMT

jamie and i are still split. he met me at the bank where momma works today and then we went and got my car and went and picked lilly up from the sitter. it wasnt bad like i thought. until we got home. then he wanted to ask me all these questions like why and so on. and he kept asking me to take him back and asking me to reconsider and to marry him and yeah... and then he kept telling me how i broke his heart and how all he has to live for is lilly and he said more but it all had to do with our new situation and how he feels about it. i kinda felt bad but it didnt really affect me. i dont want him to hurt but... i dont know. we are still broken up. he is coming saturday to pick us up and we are taking lilly to see his grandparents in quincy